The Tale of Zetsu Claus
by virgofairy17
Summary: Hidan tells Tobi the tale of why the Akatsuki has to spend every Christmas at the North Pole. Contains reindeer having bad gas, lame presents, and Hidan's potty mouth.


**:::The Tale of Zetsu-Claus:::**

**A/N: I know it's a bit early for Christmas but I couldn't resist. This story is just too funny to not post on here.**

**For any quizillians, you probably remember this story. I had this up on there about a year ago before I left.**

**Anyways, enjoy. :)**

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"No Tobi!!"

"Please Hidan-sama?"

"NO! I'm not fucking reading you an fucking story!"

"But...it's Christmas Eve! And Tobi is really good boy on Christmas Eve!"

"No!"

"Hidan, just read him the story," said Kisame. "He'll stop bugging you if you do."

"Why doesn't Deidara read him the story?"

"Because, I am fixing Itachi-san's Christmas cloak, hm," said Deidara.

"If you poke me with that needle one more time I'm going to use the Mangekyou sharingan on you."

"I'm almost done, hm." He made one last stitch and cut the tread. "There, done." Kisame grinned.

"You look festive."

"Shut up."

"Tobi, for the last time no!"

"PLEASE!"

"No!"

"Will you two stop making that racket? I'm trying to fix my puppets," said Sasori.

"And I'm trying to count my money," said Kakuzu glaring over his piles of money at them. "Damn elves! They could at least charge money for those stupid toys!"

"Hidan-sama, please just read me the story?"

"Okay, fine. Then will you leave me the hell alone?"

"Yay! Tobi is so happy!"

"Yeah, yeah, sit down and shut up." Hidan sat down in a rocking chair while Tobi sat down on the rug in front of Hidan.

"This could be interesting, why don't we listen too Sasori-danna?" said Deidara making Sasori sit with him on the couch.

"Whatever..." The rest of the Akatsuki joined, (except Leader and Konan who were out for the evening, and Zetsu who was busy with other things). Hidan picked up the book and opened it up.

"Once upon a time in Whoville there lived a happy little bunch of whos full of Christmas spirit. But the Grinch, who lived up on Mt. Crumpet did not...What the hell kind of story is this?"

"It's the Grinch," said Tobi. "I like the Grinch."

"First off, what the hell is a Grinch and what the hell is with all of these whats-it's?"

"They're Whos," said Deidara sighing.

"And what the hell does wasty mean?"

"B-but, Tobi just wants to hear the story."

"Well forget it. That heathen story is nothing but a heap of fucking garbage that smells worse than that most tainted pile of shit! Fucking heathes!"

Tobi then began to cry. Everyone covered their ears as his wails of sadness were heard throughout the headquarters.

"Now look what you've done, you made the poor guy cry," said Kisame.

"What? That story is a bunch of crap. Besides, I've got a much better story."

"You do?" said Tobi.

"Yeah. In fact...it's a true story."

"Really? Tell me! Tell me!"

"Well it happened last year...

_Tobi was sitting on the carpet waiting for Santa to come down the chimney and deliver our gifts. But of course we all would end up getting coal anyways. _

_Just then a loud thump was heard. _

_Then another louder one was heard and out of the chimney came Santa Claus. _

_Tobi opened his eye and peeked out through his mask at the jolly fat man as he went to put coal in all of our stockings. But then suddenly the Christmas tree fell on top of Santa. But it wasn't a tree...it was a giant Venus flytrap! _

_Tobi looked up and Santa was gone and the flytrap let out a huge belch._

"Like this Hidan-sama?" Tobi let out a huge belch.

"Tobi, shut up! I'm trying to tell a story here!" said Hidan.

"Okay, sorry!"

"Anyways..."

_Zetsu had eaten Santa Claus! Tobi sat there and cried and then he got up and ripped the Christmas lights off of Zetsu that Itachi had carelessly put on him that morning. Tobi found a Santa suit and a hat with a pair of boots._

_"Zetsu-san, as much as I respect you. I cannot forgive you for eating Santa Claus!"_

_"But...I was hungry."_

_"**Yeah, he was tasty too."**_

_"Zetsu-san..."_

_"Okay, I'll put on the suit!" A minute later Zetsu came out dressed up as Santa Claus._

_"Now get up on the roof and get to his sleigh!" said Tobi taking him outside._

_"Do I have to?"_

_"Yes you have to Zetsu-san, you ATE Santa!" Zetsu glared at Tobi and climbed the rocks up to the top of the cave where the sleigh was. It was shiny and red, and filled with sacks of toys. In front of the sleigh were eight reindeer. Zetsu looked at them and started drooling._

_"No Zetsu-san, you can't eat the reindeer."_

**_"And why not?"_**

_"Because you need them to pull the sleigh!" said Tobi._

_"I'm not so sure about this, What the hell am I supposed to do with all of these bags?"_

_"That is why I am going with you."_

_"To where?" Zetsu._

_"To deliver the gifts to the children of course!"_

_"Children? Why do they get presents?"_

_"Because they are good boys and girls like Tobi! But now we need to get the sleigh going."_

_"How do I do that?"_

_"Santa usually does this." He grabbed the reins and shook them. The reindeer began to run along the top of the cave and took off into the sky. Tobi reached into the glove compartment and took out two scrolls. They were labeled "naughty" and "nice."_

_"These scrolls will tell you who is naughty and nice." Tobi opened up the nice list and gave it to Zetsu._

_"Where are we going next?" asked Tobi._

_"It says we need to go to Naruto's house, and it looks like he's on the nice list."_

_"Then let's go to his house!" The reindeer started flying lower in the sky and landed on a rickety roof. The sleigh stopped and Zetsu got out and reached in the huge sack for Naruto's gift._

_"It smells like ramen," he said. "**He's probably tastier**." Zetsu stopped for a moment and then he looked down at Tobi. "Wait, how do I get into his apartment without breaking in?" Tobi clapped his hands in joy._

_"You must go down the chimney Zetsu-san!"_

_"You're kidding right?" Tobi shook his head. "Remind me to beat the crap out of you when we get back."_

_"Okay, but first you must go down the chimney!" Zetsu walked over and looked at it. It was no bigger than his wrist._

_"How am I supposed to get in there?"_

_"You put on the suit, don't worry. Just go on." Zetsu put his foot over the chimney and he was sucked down and appeared out of a radiator that was next to a couch. Across the room Naruto was sound asleep in his bed. Zetsu slowly crept across the room to find the Christmas tree._

_"Where is it?"_

_**"Yeah, I can't find it anywhere!"** Suddenly Zetsu tripped and fell flat on his face. He turned around and saw a small plastic tree lying on the ground._

_"Pathetic." Naruto stirred._

_"I'm sorry Mariah Carey, but I can't marry you...I want to marry Sakura..." Zetsu put the tree back in its place and gently laid the present down on the ground next to the plastic tree._

_"Phew, that was close." Suddenly Naruto shot up and looked over at Zetsu. He rubbed his eyes and then he opened them wide and let out a huge scream._

_"AHHHHHH! There's a giant plant in my house!" Zetsu quickly ran away and stood next to the radiator. It turned back into the chimney and he flew up the chimney right before Naruto came at him with his rasengan._

_"How did it go Zetsu-san?" asked Tobi innocently._

_"I accidentally woke up the kid."_

_"That's okay," said Tobi. "Now let's go to the next house!" Zetsu and Tobi flew across the night sky and landed in another part of town to deliver gifts to the Hyuga children. Neji got a set of new kunai and shuriken, while Hinata got a Naruto plushie. Kiba got a set of soldier pills and Akamaru got a doggy sweater, and Shino got a clear box full of bugs. Shikamaru got a new shogi game board, Choji received a cookbook and Ino got a mini skirt. Lee got another spandex outfit, and Gai got the same. Tenten received a set of sharp weapons and the Hokage got a new lamp for his desk._

_Further off in Konoha Zetsu delivered a copy of "Come Come Tactics" to Kakashi, a dress for Sakura and Sasuke got a pair of underwear._

_After all of the people in Konoha received their presents (and after many plates of cookies and milk) Zetsu was exhausted._

_"Where do we have to go now Zetsu-san?" Zetsu looked at the list._

_"It looks like we have to go to Suna." And so they went off to Suna to deliver more presents. Temari got a new fan, Kankuro's present was a case of more kabuki paint, and Gaara got a new teddy bear._

_All over the world they flew, delivering gifts to the children (and scaring the living daylights out of them) and feeding unwanted cookies to the reindeer, who ended up getting horrible gas from the gingerbread cookies. Later they went to Otogakure to deliver lumps of coal for Orochimaru-baka and his sound minions. Finally they landed back at our headquarters and-_

"That is how Zetsu-san became the new Santa!" said Tobi clapping his hands.

"And that is exactly why we have to spend every fucking stinking Christmas at the North Pole!" said Hidan. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pray to Jashin-sama!"

"Deidara-senpai, can you tell a story next?" asked Tobi.

"Hell no! I have to go perfect my art!" The other Akatsuki members went off to their rooms to do whatever, while Tobi laid down on the couch with a blanket and a cup of hot cocoa. And that was where he would wait for the beloved Zetsu Claus.

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Well that's it. I know this story is a bit short and all, but I thought it was still pretty good. Thanks for reading and have a safe and happy holiday season (whatever holiday you're celebrating.) :)


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